Case of the Monday's

Sitting here, staring at this screen. That's what I've been doing for the the past 3 hours, blank. Add a good meal in between and all of a sudden my mind begins wandering, searching for ways to get me over there, onto my bed. I fell for it once, but I knew that if I stayed down long enough my house would probably burn down due to this portable heater being on HI all night. It's still cold. The weather is a trip by the way. An interesting day it has been. The creativity comes and goes, so does the motivation. I've been stuck, trying to figure out a concept for a short story I am writing. I've always been into horror, tragedies, and mysteries so I won't be surprised if I stick to what I am used to. But I do like to step out of the box every once and a while. Grade A procrastinator, not proud but I own it, have accepted it, and am changing it (soon). Should have started this story a week ago, planned on it, didn't happen. Thanksgiving break was good to me. Now I pay or maybe not. My eyes are heavy and I might not make it. If I do close these eyes, they'll see 6:30 a.m. the next time they open. Oh well.

Monday's are something else (I'm sure you were wondering when this post was going to coincide w/the title). The energy was barely there, it was hard waking up this morning, what can I say? I went to sleep late, for no reason in particular. Every day that passes by, I learn something new about myself. Today I learned, Monday's aren't necessarily my strength. What I mean is, we state that Monday's are the "Beginning," "The fresh start," "The day you press the reset button." Bologna (funniest word spelled, hands down!). I've tried convincing myself, isn't happening. Trying to discipline myself to work according to the Monday's, it isn't going down, yet (have faith, that's deep huh? ha). It wasn't a bad day at all, it just lacked the amount of substance I had wished for. That means I've got to work harder, obviously. My goal is to go hard seven days a week, so I'll take one step at a time.

Distracted, all the time. Where's the focus? I'll find it and when I do, I hope it's at my earliest convenience. This would be the perfect week for it to do so. Wait, why aren't I typing my story again? Because I'm too busy blogging (something I fell off doing in the first place). Priorities, priorities. I am a mess, LMAO.

Oh yeah, the blog is coming back soon. Revamped and consistent.

Thanks for reading my randomness.

Its been a while...

Hello, yes I am alive. Its been a while and to that I'd have to say 'life happened'. Wait, actually 'death happened'. A friend of mine was killed July 19th, forcing my mind into a disturbing state. I actually wrote an entry but never posted it. Even thinking about it now chokes me up. Through my eyes, life looks a bit different. Things aren't as important as they used to be. Hate crept its way into my heart, then found its way right back out, it didn't belong. Poisoned minds created havoc and killed a good friend, family. I don't take death well truthfully, so my heart still cries.

On other terms, school started last week. The best thing about this semester is my professors and the classes I am taking. Darkroom and Digital Photography is 1 out of 5, then there is; Electronic Media, Creative Writing, Interpersonal Comm, and Mass Comm and Society. I am looking forward to this semester. All I can think about is moving to that next level, I feel something good coming my way whether big or small. Imagining the possibilities.

I've got class in the morning, I should be sleep, but I couldn't resist updating. Maybe I'll get back into the swing of things and update on a daily. Until next time...

Random Thoughts...

photo by Dauché

I've obviously failed miserably trying to maintain consistency, as far as posting goes. Not only have I failed here but have failed to do so on my companies site. Therefore, you should then (as I already have) question whether my lack of consistency lacks in other areas. The answer is yes. When there is a problem, what should we do? Fix it. I've been working towards fighting this inconsistent mess, trying to find ways through loop-holes, but the answer is simple. Just do it. We (All people) have something we lack and if we would find time and sacrifice within ourselves we'd be greater that what we are now. I've learned to embrace my inner slacker, however, working towards something is never an easy route. I occasionally go on a dry spell and find myself back, writing posts such as these to self-motivate and inspire. Just think about it, who is going to want to work with someone who is inconsistence, it makes it difficult, and yes I am guilty. Here forth, hard work will pay off. Consistency will build, I will be the change I seek. Find your inner-lack and break it down. Don't get me wrong, when I am consistent I'm like a hot stove, you can't touch this. LOL

My mind is powerful, hell, our minds are powerful. Let's use them to our advantage.

"I need a dollar" - Aloe Blacc

"Well I need a dollar dollar, a dollar is what I need
hey hey
Said I need a dollar dollar, a dollar is what I need
hey hey
And I need a dollar dollar, a dollar is what I need
And if I share with you my story would you share your dollar with me"

The perfect theme-song for the HBO series "How To Make It In America." As a matter of fact, it's the perfect theme song for the American (well, for any human) period, I don't know about you but I need a dollar. Don't get me wrong, I have a job, but are we ever satisfied with what we have? The amount we have? No. We can appreciate our dollar amount but progress is what we constantly seek, again we are NEVER satisfied. Lately, I've had $$$ on my mind, tough. It's time to make power moves, even though that's something that should have been done and consistently, but I am only human. This weekend, I went to pick up a gift and ended up spending some money I didn't plan on. Funny thing is, after that money was spent I went to my car, turned it on, and it started shaking which has never happened before, but I wasn't too surprised. My car has caused me problems since the moment I go it, no payment but for how much I've spent, I might as well have one. It gets me from point A to B (and even C) so I'll hold all complaints.

Why is it so hard to save money? When I was younger, I had bank. Now, let's just say... I've re-evaluated my situation and it's time to start saving again. Motivation is key and action will guarantee a good outcome. I've never been the "hustler" type, but things are going to change round here (yeah) ! I need a dollar.

S/O to @OneTwoMedia for having this song as his ringtone. #classico

Damn, why am I still in bed? -- I feel tired but I'm wide awake. This past week/weekend has been crazy. So many thoughts running through my head, stress is building, but I don't look at it all negatively. I've been re-evaluating my life, asking myself a few questions, and am learning. I haven't always been the one to be completely decisive (which I hate), but I'll move forward. A new opportunity has come my way, I am blessed. Through that one opportunity has come many more and what some fail to realize (including myself) is that we have opportunities presented to us daily. I have the opportunity to change myself for the better, to become the person I've always wanted to be. It's time to take risks and prepare myself for this new journey.

Being 23 years old, I feel as though I should be in a specific place in my life. The place that I think I should have been, I am not. I shall no longer dwell, nor regret, nor frown. It's time to move forward and it's time to become my thoughts. Struggling to find balance, has constructed itself into a platform, somewhere to start. Taking responsibility, being accountable, and allowing my light to shine... Talking about what I'm going to do is of the past, because talking has obviously not gotten me anywhere. Now delivering, is another story. My intentions. What I will do, Will be. No more excuses to why I cannot, I will.

Change will not happen over night, but gradually, day to day, It will.
The feeling of being overwhelmed has always been, but I let go.
Today is a new day, a new beginning.
I'm excited.

Until next time...

In Rotation: Victory - Jay Electronica

Update 052610

photo by dauché bates

1:13 AM -- its been a while. I've peeked in a few times, but that can't be enough. Sure I've lost readers, due to the lack of posts. When you go from posting 2-3 and maybe even 5 entries a day, to maybe once a month, people loose interest. I know I would. I could sit here and rant on about how I am back, talking the talk, but the question is, will I walk the walk? My intentions are good. I've posted a poem in my previous entry, something off the dome and in the moment. Hope you enjoyed that and even if you didn't, it felt good to get those thoughts and frustrations off.

Finals are over, I am my now in my third day of freedom (being that its one in the morning). That is until fall hits me like a sock full of broken bricks in August, but let me not ruin the moment. You see, school this semester was a roller coaster, yet I proved myself (to myself). I applied myself, that always seems to help. Next semester, the plan is to work smarter not harder, and although I speak of this freedom, I can't wait to prove to myself once again, at an even greater capacity. Accomplishments and goals are calling.

This obviously has turned into a random entry, however, if you know me, have read my blog, or tweets, you'd already know that. The summer has begun and I have yet to get rid of the 'I'll sleep in the whole week after schools out' syndrome. As amped as my mind has been, to get out, explore, documents, breath, and enjoy the little things. My body has been telling me "Sit your ass down and relax for a minute". So in act to rebel, I took on a 16+ mile bike ride monday night with the good people over at 5&A Dime. It was my first time on a bike in (thinking hard)... Ok, I can't tell you when the last time was, but I will tell you this... I hurt. Best thing is, I didn't give up, thanks to the 5D family. I've never rode a bike that far in my life, it won't be the last. I'll definitely need to invest in some epsom salt.



Lately, my brains been on this power trip. I am eager to learn, listen, and act. That is good thing of course. I've been putting different things into perspective, I can tell I am getting wiser. Pat's self on the back, wait! HOLD IT! but 'I've learned enough to know that I don't know shit.' (you've heard that somewhere I'm sure and very true).

Sitting down tomorrow with myself, writing down both short term and long term goals. Although they may not place according to my plan, I just hope they all get accomplished. That is all I asked, patiently.

Busy day ahead, plus I like sleep.
i"ll be back tomorrow.
technically, in a few hours.

-dauché

Untitled ("If You Let Them") - Dauché

"People will use you, if you allow them to.
They'll walk all over you as if "doormat" is printed on your forehead,
only if you let them.

They'll take your kindness for weakness.
They'll want you to work for free,
while you're putting money in their pockets,
if you let them.

All you wanted was a Thank You,
but you let them.

Today, will you stop them?
the choice is yours,
a wise one in the making,
i hope.

Funny thing is, even the negative can become a positive.

Sometimes you just have to sit back and observed.
Watch actions and listen to every word.

No sob story here, just lessons learned and a sign of wisdom.
So I smile."

-Dauché

It's Saturday -- the television is going, the washing machine is roaring, and the electricity bill is rising (I should probably turn off this spot light). Reclined on the pillows on my queen sized bed (1/2 of a bunk bed - separated of course) thinking about life. Everyday I wake, I thank God for the air I breath and the blessings he's store upon me. There is so much for me to figure out, hoping I'll get to fulfill my purpose on this earth before my time comes (death is amongst my daily thoughts). Of course in the back of my mind I say to myself "Self, LIVE!" but I'm stubborn to the core and stuck in my ways like a drug attic is to coca (meth, oxycotton, etc. you get the idea). There's always rehab right? I've got to move forward. Don't get the wrong idea, I don't sit in the house afraid to step out, the how and when (i'm going to die) usually surfaces through daydream(s) but enough about death, allow me to speak on its opposite, LIFE. I would say that there are things that hold me back (mostly excuses) from living the "I'm free and dgaf" life that I dream of.

I read an article by Seth Godin on zen habits (top blogs list) the other day that spoke about resistance (read the article: here) and wow, resistance is more than 70% of what my brain consists of (ok maybe I'm over exaggerating). Resistance is that voice that tells you "don't try that! don't do it! maybe next time! you suck!" you know, that pessimistic SOB. I've seriously got to get rid of it, it's working my nerves (*inhales, exhales). My work-load is heightening and my brain seems to be going into shock, I'm overwhelmed like hell. School is getting no easier and quite frankly, my mind reads 'information overload' loud and clear in the largest font microsoft word has to offer. My goal is to start with very little then expand to resistance free (that's the way to be). There are far too many opportunities for resistance to stand in my way (*moves it to the side).

Back to LIFE, I just would love to enjoy it a lot more. I recently applied to be an activity leader for a company something like your local YMCA/Recreational center and landed the job, that was one of the happiest/proud moments I've had in a while, so I guess I am currently on the correct path. I had applied to a position similar to the job I've received a few months back but it was a conflict of schedule that set me back, leaving me to be a possible 'sub position' candidate but I didn't stop there. Never give up or adjust your standards. All I know is that having this job will open doors, not just financially but personally, I love working with my community and if there is anything I can do to make an impact (on lives) I will do it.

I need a bike, random I know, I just feel that riding a bike will allow me to feel free. A fixer (bike) will be one of my first purchases and I can't wait. I can picture myself riding through down town San Diego or by the bay, smiling from ear to ear as the wind blows in my hair, visualize that (heaven).

Doing what I love is another LIFE grasping concept (that I will not let up). I've got so many interest and can't seem to settle on one, best thing about it is that they all feed into each other which creates a mass 'something' (can't think of a word). When I become decisive and act, life will be grand.

I've honestly got to go, I'm supposed to be at a party right now. I had to write and will continue on. I'll be back with more later :)

VENTAGE ...

It's 9:32 p.m. and I am stuck in a trance, I've been in this same position (on my bed, laying here) for the past 4 hours. It's as if my brain and body has shut down, even though I've got tons of work to do. I am feeling overwhelmed and quite frustrated. My mind and I have been battling it out for the past couple of months. Albert Einstein defined Insanity as "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" and I, my friend, am that (for now, but who isn't? lol). Its 2010 and I feel like I'm still stuck in 2009. I want to move forward but this state of mind, being a slave to my mental is the 'killjoy'. I ask myself questions constantly, trying to figure myself out. It's clearly irritating and a waste of time. I know my potential, which is to be GREAT, but it's as if success has become a fear of mine, or maybe the fear is to move. All I know is that I've got to get rid of this mental disease. There is so much I would like to do this year and will be challenging myself to take unfamiliar risks, whether it is poking at different aspects of my career plans, a spontaneous travel, etc.

"My reality just set in and even when the phantoms leased, them hoes want to get in". . . that verse has been in my head all damn day, but the first five words stick with me. I guess all I can really do is take a deep breath, pray for strength and direction, then just GO with no doubt in my heart.

Cheers to the road ahead, the good, the bad, and the opportunity to struggle.
No more complaints but there will be more venting because this road will not be easy (wait did that make sense? ha.)

say a good word to the man upstairs for me.
thnx.

My Weekends . . .

Have been weak as hell these past few months, it's a Saturday night & just got flaked on by my best friend. He decides out of no where that he wasn't going to go out anymore, making this the 2nd night in a row. Now a weak Friday and Saturday night ? ugh ! Definitely irritated. Plus my car is on some awkward which makes things worse, if it were working properly please believe, i'd be out of this house on some solo shxt. I've just been thinking "damn, where'd the fun go?". I used to hang out with my relatives, going on spontaneous trips, grabbing a bite to eat, hitting the movies, or just chillin' at the casa conversating. Things have changed. I don't want to complain about it anymore, nor do I want the word "bored" to cross my mind after this day. Therefore I will be either writing, reading, planning, watching, eating, listening, all by my damn self ! rotf. All jokes aside. I'm going to get used to entertaining myself, like I used to as a child. I'm even tempted to pull out this math homework, which is something I've been trying to avoid. Might as well get-er-done ! along with some other school work. SMH ! productivity come to me.

UNTITLED--

i often find myself in dark tunnels
where light is only but a few steps away,
having everything i want in front of me
but somehow as i step a little closer the distance becomes greater.
wandering around in the dark can almost seem impossible,
an illusion of the mind,
fear.


to be continued...