Saturday, February 13, 2010

It's Saturday -- the television is going, the washing machine is roaring, and the electricity bill is rising (I should probably turn off this spot light). Reclined on the pillows on my queen sized bed (1/2 of a bunk bed - separated of course) thinking about life. Everyday I wake, I thank God for the air I breath and the blessings he's store upon me. There is so much for me to figure out, hoping I'll get to fulfill my purpose on this earth before my time comes (death is amongst my daily thoughts). Of course in the back of my mind I say to myself "Self, LIVE!" but I'm stubborn to the core and stuck in my ways like a drug attic is to coca (meth, oxycotton, etc. you get the idea). There's always rehab right? I've got to move forward. Don't get the wrong idea, I don't sit in the house afraid to step out, the how and when (i'm going to die) usually surfaces through daydream(s) but enough about death, allow me to speak on its opposite, LIFE. I would say that there are things that hold me back (mostly excuses) from living the "I'm free and dgaf" life that I dream of.

I read an article by Seth Godin on zen habits (top blogs list) the other day that spoke about resistance (read the article: here) and wow, resistance is more than 70% of what my brain consists of (ok maybe I'm over exaggerating). Resistance is that voice that tells you "don't try that! don't do it! maybe next time! you suck!" you know, that pessimistic SOB. I've seriously got to get rid of it, it's working my nerves (*inhales, exhales). My work-load is heightening and my brain seems to be going into shock, I'm overwhelmed like hell. School is getting no easier and quite frankly, my mind reads 'information overload' loud and clear in the largest font microsoft word has to offer. My goal is to start with very little then expand to resistance free (that's the way to be). There are far too many opportunities for resistance to stand in my way (*moves it to the side).

Back to LIFE, I just would love to enjoy it a lot more. I recently applied to be an activity leader for a company something like your local YMCA/Recreational center and landed the job, that was one of the happiest/proud moments I've had in a while, so I guess I am currently on the correct path. I had applied to a position similar to the job I've received a few months back but it was a conflict of schedule that set me back, leaving me to be a possible 'sub position' candidate but I didn't stop there. Never give up or adjust your standards. All I know is that having this job will open doors, not just financially but personally, I love working with my community and if there is anything I can do to make an impact (on lives) I will do it.

I need a bike, random I know, I just feel that riding a bike will allow me to feel free. A fixer (bike) will be one of my first purchases and I can't wait. I can picture myself riding through down town San Diego or by the bay, smiling from ear to ear as the wind blows in my hair, visualize that (heaven).

Doing what I love is another LIFE grasping concept (that I will not let up). I've got so many interest and can't seem to settle on one, best thing about it is that they all feed into each other which creates a mass 'something' (can't think of a word). When I become decisive and act, life will be grand.

I've honestly got to go, I'm supposed to be at a party right now. I had to write and will continue on. I'll be back with more later :)