_it's 217am (i have class at 800am) and all i can do is shrug my shoulders because i have no clue why i am still up. insomnia attacks and i am a victim. wait wait wait a minute, i am telling a story (fibbing). i know why i am up, my thoughts are haunting me. as crazy as that sounds, trust and believe that is exactly what is going on. how pitiful? i did an update a day or two ago, and i really did not say much, hell i probably won't say much here either (just read the damn post). my mind is a very powerful tool and for some reason it always finds a way to work against me. i promise i've been cursed. it's a good thing to "think", yes i am no dummy. however, always in deep thought is no good. flaws and all, thinking is my curse. i guess you can say it is a love/hate relationship but at this moment in time i am leaning more towards "hate". back to discussing my mind being powerful, there is this section in my brain that targets my emotions, i was born sensitive and it gets on my last nerve. there are certain characteristics about myself that i cannot control at the moment, which makes everything 100x more frustrating. not being able to control "yourself" is a problem, all i can do is shake my head on that. i've been holding myself back for so long because of my thoughts, and we all know that 2009 is about change, progression, success, determination, hope and a lot more positive. i cannot seem to shake this negativity, this curse. all i can say is LORD help me, because i understand i walk alone with no other "man", but with spirit. not trying to get "deep" on you, im just saying. i've been looking for a "break" for quite some time now and it hasn't come. why am i even looking for a break? no one owes me anything. i am blessed and have been given many opportunities, but i know for a fact that i have not put fourth 100% effort in all the things i do. i am ashamed.
"i promise, i'm so self-conscious, i have no idea what im doing in college..."
i've been in school for some time now and honestly i am starting to think that it's not for me. i don't want to pull a kanye, but i just feel that i need a break. then again if i take a break; one semester might turn into a year, then two years. i am such a confused body. ladies and gentlemen i am so serious, my mind is a very powerful tool. i can confuse the hell out of myself. anyway, i sit in classes wondering what the hell i am doing there. i am struggling and it's annoying. let me just breath and continue on with my education until i finally get somewhere with it. not so enthusiastic, truthfully.
at the very beginning of this blog journey, i let all my feeling and thoughts out and am now realizing that i only do it every blue moon. here i am back at it, venting to keep me sane. i can't let all these thought's continue in my head so i'm going to start releasing them. i used to write poems or write in my online journal, but i stopped. no clue of why, but i think that since then the frustration has maximized.
lets get back to it.
2 comments:
yo. i was up at the same time doin the exact thing. feeling the EXACT same WAY. UGHHHHH!! WHY WAS I BORN THIS WAY. lol and i missed my 8:00 am!
Thats how I was about school. . Didnt know wat I wanted to major in, what I did want to major in the classes were too hard, & I realized that I do worse in school when I dont have a job [like now], so, I decided to go to a trade school [become a paralegal] bcuz I KNOW what im guna be there for, i KNOW my expected salary, everything! Its a clear path. THEN once I have a job and my life is steady Im guna go back to school to major in business. U shud think about that!
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